Love Life

Teen Rehab? Yes! yes! yes!

2011-04-12T06:02:00.000+01:00

Letter to My Body* (part 1)

2010-10-06T20:28:00.000+01:00

The Line - All about addiction | A Big Picture film by the Wellcome Trust

2010-05-19T10:52:00.000+01:00

Mephedrone Proves Case for teen rehab

2010-03-31T17:36:00.000+01:00

Keme Nzerem's film about mephedrone for Channel 4 News (click on that link) proves the case for why we desperately need a teen rehab in the UK.

The thing that breaks my heart in that film is the mum knowing what hell awaits her daughter when she finally comes down; and how much violence she will face.

These kids need removing from their community and putting into a detox with other teens.

Sadly there is nowhere like that they can go now.

Our next action meeting to reopen a Middlegate inspired rehab in the UK is on April 16th- the same day that meph will be classified (or so it's looking)

The campaign is going well- but even if someone gave us a million pounds today (come on, roll up..) its' going to take months or maybe a year to 18 months to get a new rehab off the ground. All the CRB checks, staff recruitment, etc take time.

What I'm hearing from young people and parents affected by a teen who is using meow meow confirms what Keme's film is saying about the scale of the problem we have with this substance.

One young client I work with tells me that his whole peer group is using meph. Every single person he knows. He is desperately trying to stop but it is very difficult when everywhere you go people are holding and offering you a line. It's so cheap and freely available.

The addict in me has been in its cage for over 8 years now but even with years of recovery and everything I know and have seen re drugs and addiction- I've felt the cage being shaken a little by the sight of the piles of white powder.

So cheap and freely available- it's every addicts' dream.

Mephedrone has brought that scene from Scarface (a pile of powder, face down in it) into the reach of suburban Surrey; and every community across the land.

Imagine how tough it is to resist this stuff when everywhere you go people have a stash.

If you can't imagine this? Think about something you really enjoy- sex for example.

Now imagine that everywhere you go there are very sexy people- your ideal fantasy of attractive- throwing themselves at you. And you have to keep resisting. Resist. Come on Big Boy. Resist..Want some? Resist...Look at this! ...Resist...Get the picture?

The way mephedrone slipped under the radar has been quite incredible.

That whole "plant food" smokescreen was very clever.

Even I was taken in and felt quite sorry for people being so desperate to get high they were experimenting with Baby Bio's friends (that sounds wrong).

It's NOT A F***KING PLANT FOOD people. If you take it- feed your plants a gram and see what happens. That's your brain, that it!

And it was deliberately undersold- as poor man's cocaine/ecstasy- again another smoke screen for how strong it actually is.

The marketing has been extraordinary too.

My Facebook and Myspace page were both targeted by this plant food's importers (which is totally sick- blood on your hands guys..oh you've got that already from the nose bleeds?)

Now, I've sat on the fence a bit re classification over the years. And my work with Frank has given me a good excuse to stay out of the debate.

But mephedrone has been a case study in what would happen if drugs are legalised.

Especially in how young people view the world and what drivers and potential inhibitors effect use in mass populations:

a) they really do believe that if something is legal that it must be safe (so trusting of the State),

b) low price and free availability have combined with rapid tolerance process to create heavy, out of control use- very rapidly. "Good" kids have turned "bad" in a matter of months. All the usual stuff- stealing from parents, violence, sexual exploitation and abuse. Adults are seeking treatment at Priory Roehampton less than a year after starting using mephedrone (average adult using cocaine seeks help after 6/7 years)

c) people are avoiding Drs and health professionals because they don't want their symptoms to be picked up and have their use challenged- teens with holes in their nose refuse to seek help as it may mean being forced to stop.

d) Legal drugs still create a Black Market. Yes they do Transform (so stick that in your pipe and smoke it). Mephedrone has created a new type of teen dealer. Entrepreneurial kids and those seeking to be popular are buying as much as they can to deal to friends. Why deal something you can buy legally on the internet? People run out- they use more than plannned (surprise surprise). They run out of money and need a dealer to tick them. This process has taught young people a lot about how to be a "proper grown-up dealer". Great! And it is setting up a dangerous scenario as friends start falling apart and the guilt gets apportioned. Trauma that is going to take years to heal.

The next few months of stockpiling and selling will be interesting and yes many of those addicted will turn to crime as the price goes up. They may also turn to other drugs. Today, I have warned the ACPO Meth and Presursors Working Group (that I sit on) that we may see a sudden spike in crystal meth* production and use. Cocaine can't come down in price much more and the quality being so poor in the UK is part of why meow meow took off so much.

* see this chemistry of mephedrone film. Crystal and meth are closely related

e) Does mephedrone kill? People have been tweeting lots of denial at me- "it's not the meph wot done it", etc. It's the other drugs they combined it with, y'honor. But hello, poly drug use is the norm for most younger users. And the come down from meow is so "sh**" that people are becoming habitual users and using downer drugs such as alcohol and methadone (such a similar word but poles apart) to soften the crash. And younger users are smoking a bag of skunk to avoid the pain- which can lead to horrible hallucinations. And god* knows what in terms of psychosis and paranoia. But despite that, the drive to do it all again soon kicks in.

*even Prof Nutt doesn't. No scientist will have the sacred "evidence base" for years.

Does it matter whether it was the combo of drugs that led to death? If mephedrone is the common factor? The bullet in the gun that goes off every now and then in this mad game of Russian Roulette that so many people are playing.

Even our brightest young people are mad for it. (Is this a Chinese conspiracy to bring down the West? Come on Daily Mail- there's a story for you).

Here's a very worrying excerpt from The Cambridge Tab-

‘Fiendish’Mephedrone is highly addictive, and a number of students we spoke to described their experience with the drug as “fiendish.”A female student from Robinson said she and many friends had become highly dependent on the drug. “I can barely get up for anything without having a little snort, and I definitely can’t go clubbing without it,” she told us.“I haven’t experienced any physical problems, but I get so depressed when I’m not on meph. It’s dark.”Other students who take mephedrone habitually were less concerned. “I do take it almost every day,” said a student studying medicine, “But it’s not really a problem – it’s not that different to people who drink every day.”

Sorry to burst your bubble- would-be Dr (when I was President at Goldsmiths the Drs colleges were always the worst for piss-ups..which troubled me even back then).

But it IS different to alcohol. It is much more psychologically addictive because of the strong desire to redose as the dopamine level starts to drop.

The brain cannot replenish dopamine very quickly and every time you use you are burning up your very limited store; so will feel a bit lower afterwards.

And suicidal within how long? watch this space....

I urge coroners to test all young people dying in the UK for cathinones and record the presence of mephedrone centrally; and look for patterns with accidental overdose and suicide. Also check bodies for evidence of self harming.

We need to develop new drug testing kits urgently for rehabs and drugs programmes. I know of at least one case of a death in rehab I believe may have been caused by methedrone; but the young man passed a drugs test, after a home visit. Went to bed and never woke up. He's just one sad stat that may be being missed because of the failure to collect data effectively.

Worryingly, young people seem less able to cope with the Come Down than adults and report to me that they commonly go through a few hours of "not caring if they live or die".

One 12 year old was found in a park by friends- running a knife blade up and down his arms, saying repeatedly, "Shall I kill myself?"

So all in all. I'm getting off the fence.

On BBC Radio 4 Today I called for a new Q for quarantine classification.

yes, we have some legal drugs and these are the ones that we have the biggest health and social problems with. Why add to that list?

If we are serious about tackling alcohol misuse price per alcohol unit seems a good point of leverage. Let's not get into all the politics around cider production etc. A hornet's nest. Let's reduce it down to basics.

The Mephedrone experience has proved the case for classification to me and "the sooner it is made illegal the better". As a 17 year old said to me last week.

The internet and a list of over 400 new drugs waiting to come to market mean that we have to scrap the current Jurassic ACMD system.

Let's focus on psychoactive use. If people start using something new to get off on it- people can become addicted to all mind/mood altering substances- we could place it in quarantine for 12 months and have a special team assess the evidence.

Change is upon us.

We are in a new era.

Up against some totally unscrupulous, very clever people- who don't give a damn if they sell drugs that harm or kill adults; or children.

We may not be able to keep drugs off the streets- but we can try.

We can set firm boundaries and show we mean to enforce them.

And we can offer proper treatment to those people who are addicted.

Right now, I'm living in this weird Alice in Wonderland world- where I'm having meetings with Conservative ministers and Lords (James Brokenshire MP came to see me on Harley Street last Friday) and they are agreeing with everything I say about addiction and recovery.

And the Labour party retains faith in the NTA- which completely failed the UK's young people by refusing to step in and divert some of their millions to Saving Middlegate (shame on them).

Believe me when I say to you that recovery isn't the easy option.

Prison or a detention centre on drugs is the easy option.

Give us a donation and I'll show you how we can treat desperate young people with respect and give them back their lives.

It will save us all a fortune in the long run and a lot of parents the absolute heart break of losing a child to drugs

TV Execs and Cocaine

2009-10-22T15:38:00.000+01:00

So my evidence- which covered lots of areas (see previous blog link)- was distilled into one subject- coke use by TV execs.

See

Wouldn't it be good if some good could come of this?

One of my friends is currently mourning Kevin McGee.

He's the latest in a long list.

Mark Speight and Kevin Greening two great talents, lost to broadcasting, spring to my mind.

I've offered my services again to the BBC.

Will the phone ring.....

Dear Caster,

2009-09-22T06:59:00.001+01:00

Dear Caster,

In an open letter to the South African athlete, Sarah Graham, who was born intersex, offers advice and encouragement for the years to come

In today's The Independent newspaper.

Please send to friends and lets see if we can get this letter to her.

I Feel for Caster Semenya

2009-09-14T07:42:00.000+01:00

I Feel For Caster Semenya

Category: Life

I've written an article to offer support to the great South African athlete Caster Semenya.

In today's UK newspaper the Daily Mirror.

So much misinformation is being written about intersex and Caster really needs the world to show we love her and appreciate her enormous talent and hard work to get where she is.

Please read this article and send it to your friends.

Thanks

Sarah

PS People affected by this issue can contact me via my website Sarah Graham Solutions

Death By Diversity- Addiction Today cover

2009-09-01T07:05:00.001+01:00

Please read my article in Addiction Today about the serious drug abuse and dependency issues within the LGBTQQi community and the failure of the UK National Treatment Agency (NTA) to tackle them.

This article may not be available free online for long so please read and circulate today.

Thanks, Sarah

PS for more info go to Sarah Graham Solutions

2009-07-29T08:46:00.000+01:00

Cannabis- a therapist’s opinion

Sarah Graham is a Priory trained addictions counsellor and director of Sarah Graham Solutions (www.sarahgrahamsolutions.com).

She is a leading authority on drugs use by teenagers and regularly appears in the media as an expert commentator for Frank

(www.talktofrank.com)

This is her personal and professional view of the drug and how to treat cannabis abuse and dependency:

Cannabis (AKA Skunk, weed, green, ganja, grass, chronic, chro, blunts, blow, puff, zero, sinsemilla, sensi, dope, smoke, shit, draw, spliff, black, hash, herb, marijuana, pot, black, Moroccan, Afghan, homegrown)

Of all the mind-altering drugs that people use cannabis is the one that causes the most controversy and about which there is enormous cultural denial.

My appearances on TV talking about cannabis (see www.youtube.com/sarahgdirects) often bring me considerable hate mail from people who think that cannabis is “just a bit of spliff”.

It is believed in popular culture that you “can’t become addicted to cannabis” and is often described as a “soft drug”, because its use wasn’t thought to lead to physical dependency; in the way that heroin and alcohol use does.

Professionals working with young people are having to rewrite the rule book about cannabis use- as skunk takes over the lion’s share of the cannabis market here in the UK.

Those of us working with young people are seeing physical symptoms of withdrawal- from the stronger “skunk” strains of cannabis. Along with extremely entrenched psychological dependencies that are very difficult to break.

In some cases we are seeing quite severe reactions- from both the taking of the drug and when the client starts to reduce cannabis use and become abstinent.

These symptoms may include hallucinations, loss of coordination, shaking, sweating, nausea, mood swings, panic attacks, memory loss, cognitive function problems, sleep disturbance, angry outbursts, uncontrollable giggling, ravings for the drug, binge-eating, or loss of appetite, diarrhoea, self-harming, reduced fertility and psychotic illnesses including schizophrenia.

You probably know this from your own experience- but it may help to have it confirmed in black-and-white by an addictions expert.

People can become addicted to cannabis (F12.2 Cannabinoid Dependence Syndrome, to use the term referred to in the World Health Organisation classification volume ICD-10).

I work with people addicted to all drugs- including the “hard ones”.

And the treatment process of cannabis addiction is often one of the most challenging- for the individual and the therapist.

Ironically, it can take longer to successfully treat a young cannabis dependent person than a young person addicted to “harder drugs”.

Why? Because of what it does to their brains and the length of time it remains in the system after totally stopping smoking and “getting abstinent” (4-6 weeks).

With a heroin or alcohol addiction, once the physical dependency has been medically managed (2-4 days detox) the person stands a good chance of being relatively clear-headed and able to process information; and engage in treatment.

Counselling skunk smoking teenagers, it is often painful to witness just how difficult it is for the young person to retain information and how damaged they can be by the thing they crave.

And how strenuously they will defend it against all the mounting evidence they and their loved ones are experiencing.

Sadly, even if they are very motivated and really want to make changes the effects of the drug are very counter-therapeutic.

Getting to an appointment on time- especially in the morning- can be very difficult.

Cannabis use saps motivation and energy and the low mood, panic attacks and paranoia it can induce, makes it very difficult to get up and “do the work” necessary to get well.

In my company- Sarah Graham Solutions- we prioritise working with cannabis dependent teens because we’ve seen enough serious cases to understand just how damaging cannabis use can be; and what a time-bomb skunk use by teens may be for individuals and society.

The drug has “evolved” through man-made interventions and it may be years before the medical science can “prove” what many experts like me believe to be the case.

I think that skunk use is a key factor in gangs and the upsurge in the violent crime that accompanies them.

Some of the teens I have worked with have become extremely violent and behaved in ways they are very remorseful about; and can attribute this to their use of skunk cannabis- or its lack of availability; and definitely not the way they were raised.

Others have turned inwards and spent months and years living in a solitary, internal head-place, that feels lonely and quietly desperate.

Teenagers who smoke cannabis regularly- or who binge smoke heavily- seem particularly at risk of developing a dependency and the very latest neuroscience suggest they are seriously risking permanent brain damage; because their brains are still growing and can’t repair once the damage has been done.

This addiction can be very powerful- the psychological grip it can have over an individual can seem almost impossible to break.

I hear often that an individual has tried to stop many times and “failed” this has led to ever-decreasing self-worth. Loss of educational aspirations and a sense that life is going nowhere.

The good news is- it is possible to stop smoking and for a person to turn things around.

We’ve worked with many people who have managed to stop smoking and gone on to have healthy, happy, successful lives.

Even the best addictions counsellors are not miracle workers though and anyone who offers a quick-fix should be avoided.

Cannabis treatment that gets the best results often needs to be long-term and using a holistic model (it can take 3 months to a year of regular support for a young person to feel secure in their recovery).

Teens are often part of a cannabis using peer-group and the pressure to conform can be tough to resist. The USA has many residential rehabs for teens and sadly we don’t (although I’m trying to find funding to set one up).

As a trained counsellor and auricular acupuncturist and person in recovery, I know what works; and what doesn’t. I have fostered close ties with Talking About Cannabis because I understand how vital good family support is- to achieve successful results (and preserve everyone’s sanity).

There are some other very good projects available to do this therapeutic work (contact Frank to ask what’s in your area) but don’t be put off if your GP or local service doesn’t know much about cannabis or minimizes the seriousness of its use).

We have a long way to go to bring all professionals up-to-speed and when we start to see the scale of the problem (and the potential cost of treatment) you can understand why this subject is such a political hot potato.

It’s sad but true that a lot of the treatment agenda is driven by crime stats. Heroin and crack addicts can create one-person crime waves- so getting them into treatment is a political priority.

Cannabis and its impact on mental health may cost society a great deal too- but up until recently it hasn’t been something that could harness voters.

This may change as more is discovered about the links between skunk and violence- especially knife crime.

Cannabis’ place in society has long been contentious.

It’s been a symbol of counter-cultural rebellion and many politicians formed their opinions at college and haven’t reassessed the facts.

Cannabis has even been seen by some parents as a safer alternative to alcohol.

I smoked cannabis for many years- from 14 until I came “into recovery” 7 years ago; and at one time wanted a cannabis leaf tattooed on my wrist (thankfully I was too young).

Having smoked traditional cannabis- grass and hash- and skunk in Amsterdam and Mexico, I can tell you first-hand, that cannabis has changed.

The THC/CBD ratio change in skunk has fundamentally altered the way the drug feels and its impact on the brain.

We need to bring everyone up to speed. And quickly.

I would say, in summary- that skunk is a very powerful, neuro-toxic substance- that it should be respected by everyone and is best avoided completely by teenagers.

Until we know more about the long-term effects I would definitely say “Err on the side of caution”.

If you or your family member is using it and you are worried ask for help now.

Don’t leave it until a serious, potentially irreversible, mental illness has taken hold.

---------

Sarah Graham Solutions has clinics in Surrey and on Harley Street.

She will try and answer all questions sent to her via her website.

--------------

This article was just published by Talking About Cannabis

The Good, the Bad, the Gay and the Ugly

2009-03-12T22:25:00.001Z

Three weeks ago, my media work brought me into the orbit, for the first time, of Mr Brian Paddick- would-be King of the Jungle (I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here) and Former Deputy Assistant Commissioner of the Met Police.

Brian was one of the first openly gay senior police officers- a good thing. For which I thoroughly commend him.

His legacy on policing drugs is less exemplary.

My wife H was on the beat in uniform in Brixton, when he was The Boss.

She had her arm broken- in the line of duty- by a crack dealer. And her take on his time as the gov'nor there is very interesting.

Her and her colleagues often put their personal safety at enormous risk to arrest street dealers. (You know those nice guys who deal in front of kids and their mums in front of KFC and McDonalds).

Part of their enviable work was to have to wrestle the dealers to the floor (whilst being spat on) and open the dealers mouths to extract the heroin and crack wraps before they could swallow them; thereby risking their lives and making making the evidence collection a messy, protracted business.

Brian banned this direct intervention. Something to do with the dealers might get hurt.

He was also keen on down-grading cannabis from B-C.

And now these days he is bemoaning the failure of policing!

Which seems a tad ironic?

Anyway, Brian and I put our personal differences aside- after the interview- and subsequently became friends on Facebook (this may not last?)

Something about keeping your friends close...popped into my mind.

After the interview in the Green Room a tall, well-groomed man, in a very nice suit, came in and Brian and he exchanged kisses; french-stylee.

The man went into make-up and I gave Brian a quizzical look?

He told me that this chap was the (openly) gay health minister Ben Bradshaw.

I said my goodbyes to Brian (quickly) and went back into the make-up room to introduce myself to Ben.

It has to be said I'm the Queen of networking (or as H says, I'm totally shameless)

I got that feeling that my audience with Ben was to be short, so I cut to the chase...

"1 in 10 of the general population has an addiction issue.

One-third of the LGBT community does".

Who I am, what I do..

Will he help in my mission to reduce this terrible statistic?

That the new drugs strategy makes a pledge- in the Equality section- to include LGBT people (for the first time)...

But that this needs putting into action.

Will he as an Out gay man, with ministerial responsibility for health (actually, Minister of State for Health Services at the Department of Health) , help?

Can I get his number, so we can talk more?

(Very cold body language)

He replies that Dawn Primarolo (Minister of State for Public Health) has responsibility for drugs.

(End of conversation body language).

As those of you who know me know, I'm not that easily put off.

Yes, but maybe he could help me to help our community by introducing me to some people- in Dawn's office?

(Very cold, even icy BL)

I persist.

Can I get a number for him or an email?

He gives me his assistants.

I call this and leave a message, within an hour.

No response.

So I tracked down his Constituency Office email and write him a short, very friendly letter.

This is the official response.

DE00000392248

Dear Ms Graham,

Thank you for your recent email to Ben Bradshaw about drug addiction among the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community. I have been asked to reply on his behalf.

Although it is the case that some drugs are more commonly misused in the LGBT community, this is not the same as “addiction”. However, this high level of drug misuse may lead to a higher level of drug dependence and other drug-related problems in the community and is a clear priority for drug treatment.

As you are aware, there is a clear expectation in the new drug strategy that commissioners and providers of drug treatment “determine patterns of drug use and service needs, particularly where there are significant gaps in evidence, such as the needs of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and transsexual (LGBT) people”.

The National Treatment Agency for Substance Misuse (NTA) was established by Government in 2001 to improve the availability, capacity and effectiveness of treatment for drug misuse in England .

The NTA shares a commitment to drug treatment being made available locally which meets the range of needs experienced by local drug-misusing populations. The NTA is committed to action to ensure:

equal access to relevant and appropriate drug treatment services for the whole population; and
the eradication of unlawful discrimination and the promotion of equal opportunities with respect to ethnicity, age, culture, gender, sexuality, mental ability, mental health, geographical location, offending background, physical ability, political beliefs, religion, health, status or any other specific factors which result in discrimination.

There is more related information on the Equality and Diversity section of the NTA website at www.nta.nhs.uk/areas/diversity .

Since 2005/06 the NTA and the Healthcare Commission have worked together to review the key aspects of providing and commissioning effective services for the treatment of substance misuse in England . This is the third and final review in the Government’s joint series.

One of the themes of the 2007/08 NTA and Healthcare Commission service review was diversity. The full report is available online at:

www.nta.nhs.uk/areas/standards_and_inspections/2007-08_review/hcc_nta_review_docs_jan_09/2007_8_substance_misuse_national_report_diversity_tier_4.pdf

Highlights of the report are included in the comments that follow.

It is the clear responsibility of local drug partnerships to assess need in their areas and to commission services to meet these needs, particularly the needs of traditionally marginalised or under-represented groups.

Once local partnerships have met the requirement to increase the number of problem drug users in effective treatment by 1 per cent a year in each of the next three years, they may select targets around increasing the access of marginalised groups to drug treatment.

The NTA monitors partnerships’ assessment and meeting of need through the treatment planning process, and the Department is aware that a number of partnerships have made specific efforts to tackle the needs of the LBGT community.

In the 2007/8 service review, partnerships generally did well in assessing the needs of diverse local populations but less well in translating these needs into a strategic focus on diversity and equality issues when planning treatment. As a result of the review findings, NTA regional teams are working with partnerships on planned improvement in relation to diversity, as part of partnerships’ treatment planning and to ensure that this planning translates into practice.

Drug treatment services should consider the full range of client needs relating to drug treatment, including sexuality issues, and take the necessary steps to address these, while observing all relevant diversity legislation.

People should not be discriminated against or feel excluded from treatment because of their sexuality. The highest scoring criterion in the diversity theme of the 2007/8 service review “related to whether service providers ensure that the delivery of services meets the needs of local diverse populations”.

Although this is encouraging, there is, of course, room for improvement and, if you are aware of specific “drugs services … failing to engage gay people”, this issue should be raised with the relevant partnership (contact details at http://drugs.homeoffice.gov.uk/dat/directory) or with the relevant NTA regional team (contact details at www.nta.nhs.uk/areas/regions ).

I hope this reply is helpful.

Yours sincerely,

Deepa Shah
Customer Service Centre
Department of Health

Yes, I feel slightly patronised.

No, that wasn't very helpful.

There's also a sense that this letter was written by a computer, not a real person.

Will Ben be leaping into action to turn the tide against addiction in the LGBT community.

His community (?)

Put it this way.

I'm not holding my breath.

I'm about to start working on a doc about meth.

Do you think he's say "yes" to my interview request?

Will Dawn be calling soon?

Ben's got my number.

The Good, the Bad, the Gay and the Ugly

2009-03-12T22:25:00.000Z

Pink- Sober

2009-03-01T23:26:00.001Z

Not quite sure why it's taken me this long to check out Pink's video for Sober?

But if you are a bit slow like me..click on that link. It's brilliant. Especially the lyrics:

-----------

Sober Lyrics

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

------------

She has a knack for summing up human emotional predicaments.

I still cry sometimes when I hear Family Portrait.

The first time I heard it was during my year as a post woman (post rehab) and it absolutely killed me.

Sober's video is full of the contradictions and struggles of facing up to one's alcoholism.

The Pink on Pink action is challenging too- sexy/wrong.

Too much of a good thing?

Nah!

--------------

The song sounds like she is still struggling.

I hope that she's moved on and has the help she needs. Someone who can guide to to really feel great sober.

If not,

Pink- I can make space in my diary.

But you will have to come to England.

Life Begins At 40

2009-03-01T11:56:00.001Z

They say that Miracles Happen in Recovery.

The last few months have been pretty miraculous- getting married, going on a wonderful honeymoon for a month in Australia.

Mrs Graham and I are loving being married.

We are planning a big party for my 40th, in April. It's incredible how positive I feel about the big four zero..and a miracle that I am still alive and feeling fitter and healthier than any time in my whole life.

Matt Earls my personal trainer and I have been working really hard to get me in top shape for my unfurling TV career. I've been doing three session a week with him and now really appreciate how much hard work it takes to have a "gym body"; and I'm not talking about being thin, I don't want to be thin..but I do want lean muscles.

My party has a fancy dress theme and I've set my heart on something quite revealing!

I love that image. My friend Matt Smith (In-volve's design guru) created it.

And now in the past week I have started my own company.

This is a definite miracle as it is something I have wanted to do for a long time but it is only being in recovery and working a programme that has given me the courage and ability to actually do it.

One of the biggest gifts that recovery has given me is the humility to admit fears and that I can't do something and to ask for help.

Setting up a company has required me asking for a lot of help from people who know how to do this stuff. And that help has been very forth coming. For which I am very grateful.

What's my new company called?

I'm keeping it secret until the website is built.

What's it going to do?

My goal is to reach out to 10 million people and empower them to be who they are capable of being.

Big goal?

Not that big, when you consider how many people are affected by addiction alone.

When you factor in the other issues that hold people back too, 10 million is a small % of those people I would like to work with.

In this global media age, the sky's the limit.

Anyway, One day At A Time.

Let's see what happens....

Cannabis Dependency and Young People

2009-02-20T14:24:00.000Z

Here's the item that I did with William and Debra Bell- from Talking About Cannabis on Tues.

Please watch and forward to anyone who may have a problem or a young person they are worried about.

Thanks, Sarah

Cocaine Smuggling to UK- New Low Prices

2009-02-19T18:55:00.000Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_tGFBCBVUs

Had a very interesting time on BBC Breakfast today.

Having agreed to go on as an expert, when I turned up and was having my make-up done, I heard the item being described as "Former Assistant Chief Commissioner Brian Paddick and an addict..."

I was pretty annoyed!

Had to threaten to walk to get the script changed.

Watch what happened.

Pretty pleased that I stood up for myself and the respect of all recovering people.

It's great to have self worth and assertiveness.

DIY Journalism

2009-02-15T18:58:00.000Z

Just a quick blog to fill in time as I wait for IRN news to call and a BBC Breakfast film crew to arrive at our house.

-----

Cuts in budget are really getting ridiculous.

I just had a lone cameraman turn up- with no reporter.

He set up and lit the "interview", then the producer called me on a mobile from the studio and H had to sit in for eye-line and ask the questions, parrot-fashion, after he relayed them remotely.

This isn't some student channel attached to a Uni, this is the BBC.

What's happened to the NUJ?

I can honestly say that I am shocked that this is being allowed to happen.

As an old-hand at interviews I could make this situation work, kind-of, by directing H and keeping an eye on Huw (the cameraman).

But I pity some poor inexperienced spokesperson, facing this crazy under-resourcing.

Where will it end?

Me being interviewed via my laptop?

---------

As if that wasn't frustrating enough, I just had a call from This Morning to say they are dropping the Frank cannabis launch from the show- because they want to follow something that's come up over the weekend?

They messed me around all last week and after finally saying no, they then said yes- because a celebrity had dropped out.

So what is so important now?

Another celebrity has said yes, no doubt.

More important than our youth's exposure to cannabis and mental health issues?

In their world!

Happily, I am still booked on Sky and the BBC New Channel tomorrow..and I think this story has legs.

So watch this space.

I may boycott This Morning from now on.

I'm getting sick of being messed around by them.

Yes, YEs, YES- Michael Heppell

2009-02-09T10:00:00.001Z

I've always suspected that those "breakthrough" moments that come at the end of workshops with the big-time Life Coaches ans trainers- like Tony Robbins and Michael Heppell must be a bit of a con.

Walking across hot coals?

Must be something to do with heat transference speed..

Karate chopping blocks of wood?

The wood must be really thin..Or pre-weakened..Surely?

Yeah, well, now I know differently.

I've just spent the last two days with the lovely Michael Heppell and the big finale of his How to Be Brilliant! workshop is having to create a Power Move (and noise), then chant "yes, Yes, YES", then have a go at striking your way through an unfeasibly thick plank of wood.

On which you write the name of the obstacle you want to break through.

I chose "Fear".

Did I do it?

What do you think?

The whole of Mayfair reverberated to my Power Move and Yes, YEs, YESs.

I struck that wood with the force of a Ninja (turtle or hero?).

And..

just about made it through to the other side.

No, it snapped like a match and Michael had to duck to avoid the energy heading for his head.

But, just between you and I, it did hurt (inside I Ouched).

But the adrenaline and feeling of success pushed all that aside.

Just look at me...

That's not red-eye you can see. It's fire coming out of my eye sockets.

Here's a close up of my target...

I have to say, putting aside all English reserve and cool.

It was BLOODY FANTASTIC.

I will keep that wood by my desk and whenever I feel doubt (fear? no way) I will take myself back to that moment and roar..

Or make a nice cup of tea and drift off to my White Island (not a holiday camp for people like Carol Thatcher), no a beautiful place where I cleanse my energy and Power Up..

I'm about to go to the gym to see Matt (he who must be obeyed), so I can't chat on...

But suffice it to say, after yesterday's Day 2 with Michael- How to be Brilliant in Business, I'm all set.

In the next 90 days I will be establishing my own company and using my skills to....(got to write my Mission Statement...so watch this space).

If you want a blow by blow account of the next 90 days, to see how I get on...

Check me out on..

Sorry, "Follow Me" on..

Twitter

Michael taught me how to do it properly and now I am all of a Twitter..

I Twitter therefore I am? (Sad?)

Follow me and see!

Cannabis: the Evil Weed?

2009-02-04T21:24:00.000Z

Last night's Horizon about cannabis, presented by Dr John Marsden was a real missed opportunity, by the BBC's flagship science doc strand.

It failed to move the debate forward and despite having funding to film in Kazakhstan and the USA, it failed to thoroughly investigate and film the most interesting and dangerous developments in the smoky world of cannabis.

In his intro Dr John called cannabis "merely a plant, a wild weed".

Er, yes. That may have been true. Once Upon A Time...

But The Story, as far as I'm concerned, is the not-so-natural genesis and artificially forced growth of cannabis' illegitimate young siblings- the skunk cannabis plants.

Skunk are the bioengineered hybrid varieties of the species.

More akin to Triffids (as in The Day of The Triffids), than the wild weeds growing up the mountains in Kazakhstan.

The crucial difference being that it has higher THC (the bit that makes you high) AND lower CBD levels.

I think that CBD is actually where the science needs to be focused.

Cannabidiol (CBD) is a natural anti-psychotic. So it seems obvious that if you mess with nature's ratio of THC/CBD you are asking for trouble.

And although Horizon had some powerful case studies, including one young man whose skunk smoking seems to have triggered his acute schizophrenia (including a voice that regularly tells him to kill himself).
Dr John set aside such cases as being statistically rare.

Rather bizarrely he delivered PTC (pieces to camera) and V/O that seemed contradictory and at odds with what some of the scientists and cannabis smokers were saying.

For example,

“In my job as a psychologist I deal with addiction, I work with people with heroin and crack cocaine dependence- but with heroin and crack cocaine I regularly see people brought to their knees- lives ruined, even deaths. But by comparison, for cannabis it seems to me the effects are like a walk in the park. And yet this is the one drug that is rarely out of the public eye and shrouded in controversy”.

He did the "cool thing" by disclosing past cannabis smoking "and yes I did inhale".

But when did he smoke? And what?

Did he smoke skunk?

Imagine a doc about alcohol. Where someone says "I had a drink once"...Oh, OK, that makes you an expert on all alcoholic beverages and customs? No. Not very useful information is it.

It's no secret that I smoked cannabis for years- from the age of 14 til I got clean of all drugs (aged 32).

I smoked it in most of its forms- in spliffs, bongs, hot knives, blah blah- and I can tell you that skunk is not the same drug as the cannabis I smoked through most of my using.

When I did smoke skunk- in Amsterdam and Mexico- it was very trippy (more like acid than old skool cannabis). And made me paranoid and full of fear.

Luckily for me my brain wasn't still growing when I tried it.

Despite flagging up some of the emerging science about the impact of cannabis on the brains of teens under-15 (very worrying indeed) they missed speaking to the very young people who smoke skunk (often starting way before 15) and seeing the very real impact these weeds are having on their mental health.

What we did see is that the science is in its infancy and it is worrying that so many people (the ACMD, of which Dr John is a member) are willing to wait for another 20 years of mice swimming round mazes and rats self-medicating with heroin; before listening to people who are working with skunk addicted teens.

Incidently, Dr John asserts that cannabis dependency is psychological not physical. I disagree. Some young people definitely go through withdrawal symtoms and get quite poorly when they first stop smoking.

And is a craving that is generated by the mind not partly physical? The brain chemistry is out of balance.

He concludes:

“In the end, it’s my impression that the most significant damage caused by cannabis is subtle- it’s not at the extremes, it’s the thousands of regular smokers whose lives are held back. It’s the apathy, it’s the sitting around smoking- not getting things done. The valuable, precious opportunities of life are lost."

And...

“From what I’ve seen, unlike heroin and crack cocaine- the drugs that I deal with a s a psychologist- cannabis is just not in the same league. It can’t kill you and it’s very unikely to ruin your life. But that’s not to say that it’s entirely safe.”

He needs to widen the intake of the clients he works with.

May I suggest, as a start, he spends a weekend with some gang members?

Because, as someone who has this experience of working with young people, I would suggest to Dr John, that the mood swings, paranoia, aggression and inability to regulate actions (sometimes with knives and guns) is not very "subtle".

The Incredible Hulk in the Room

2008-10-05T14:40:00.006+01:00

The BBC Home Affairs Correspondent- Mark Easton- and I have worked together on a few stories now.

And if I was a football fan I would say something like- it's a match made in heaven- What A Result. Or, It's a GOAL!!

Unlike some of the "journalists" I help, Mark and his producer Adam Keelan put a lot of graft into standing up their stories.

The one that ran last Thursday has sent shock waves through the drugs "treatment industry".

All the codependent Drs and psychiatrists who get their power kicks from control over the "poor addicts" in their "clinics" (drugs dens?) and those making money out of the kind "harm reduction" that is really death in slow motion, got a nice wake up call on Radio 4's Today programme..

Listen to the report. Mark nails it.

I lay in bed cheering him on.

He takes the NTA's new figures- for those in treatment in England:

Two Hundred and Two Thousand people.

202,000

And does a simple calculation that has really pissed them off (allegedly)

He went through them carefully and found that, well-

Guess how many left treatment drugs free?

a) 200,000, b) 150,000, c) 100,000 or z) 7,324?

Shameful but true- z) 7,324

That is 3.6%

Three point six per cent.

3.6%

That's a figure that should make Paul Hayes (Head of the NTA) weep.

Or at the very least, loose sleep.

Should he resign?

When you hear about cases like Andrew Walters- parked on methadone for years- asking for residential rehab, again and again- being told "he's not ready". Trying to kill himself because he knows that his life is over anyway...all in all you're just another brick in the wall...

Then yes, I think he should.

For trying to defend this harm reduction concentration camp clinic mentality: fence them in, stop them offending, make them into junkie citizen zombies, get them to work- something nice and simple; and let them slowly die. With rotting teeth.

Paul Hayes interview on Today was one of the worst I've ever heard- in content and delivery.

Read Mark Easton's blog and I think there's a very clear case for shaking up the HR system.

"Addiction is a chronic, relapsing condition"- without good holistic treatment.

That understands cross addiction.

That understands that One is Too Many and a Thousand Never Enough.

And that an addict CANNOT safely use ANY mind-altering substance.

I do believe in harm reduction:

As a short term strategy.

As a way to hold people- whilst the therapeutic work gets started.

Not as a way to moth ball people.

To take them down and stop them offending..cause they can't move off the sofa (unless it's to score some crack- so they can feel briefly alive).

Respond, the treatment facility, I have just worked for for three years, has an opiate clinic- run by the NHS.

Their are good people on the team.

But many of their clients have been with them for years.

No motivational work.

No real incentives to change.

It's horrible seeing these people sitting waiting to score their scripts.

Having to piss in little bottles.

Many looking like death warmed up.

Over the last three years, my In-volve colleagues and I managed to motivate some of the NHS staff to help us get their clients up to acupuncture clinic.

Where we would treat them like human beings and nurture their "actualizing tendency", blow on their spirits and encourage them to take THEIR POWER BACK.

Wake up and start thinking about getting off the Drs drugs and being...

DRUG FREE.

FREE MEN AND WOMEN

Alive.

Positive.

Able to face the pain and grow through it.

Move on.

Get well.

Be a fully functioning human being again.

You can't cure addiction by giving out more drugs.

You can't cure addiction.

But you can arrest it at some point.

And recovery is then possible.

I look at a photo on my desk of the group of people I was in the Priory's secondary treatment centre with (The Coach House, now closed)..

Residential rehab for 6 months. After 7 weeks in primary.

Not cheap!!

But...Ten out of twelve of us are abstinent- living positive, happy lives...beyond our wildest dreams.

Some of us are paying a lot of taxes we are doing so well.

One- the most hardcore smack and crack head in the world- died clean (from cancer). Right up to the end he was helping other addicts to get clean...(Chris we love you and miss you)

His spirit is with me whenever any one says they have gone too far down...I know that Chris fought back..It can be done..If the person wants it.

One of us is Out There- we hear horror stories, now and again.

Abstinence based residential rehab works.

12 Steps work for millions of people too (some rehabs mixing the two).

It's time to listen to addicts who want to get well.

To face up to the addiction that wants to kill us.

Stop the state enabling this illness to progress.

Realise that the NHS, Drs Psychiatrists and the big pharmaceutical companies have vested interests in keeping people sick (some conscious some unconscious).

Set some boundaries.

Send people to residential rehab- when they ask for it!
Don't wait months for their motivation to wane.

For their illness to progress down another level.

Then in a year's time...

we can start measuring some real success.

-------------------------

Lecture over.

--------------------------

H is at work following a murderer.

I have time alone to do some written work on my own recovery...

Keep moving forward...or slide back.

PS check out my daily blogging at http://mypspace.com/sarahgraham69 . This blog is published there with hotlinks (can't make them work here..sorry)

RIP Girls

2008-02-23T09:17:00.001Z

The man accused of murdering the Ipswich working girlsGemma Adams, Tania Nicol, Anneli Alderton, Paula Clennell and Annette Nicholls has been found guilty.

H and I have been following his case and it is testament to some excellent detective work that he has been convicted.

Watching hours and hours of real time CCTV is very boring and spotting clues is like finding needles in haystacks.

The DNA evidence was vital too.

I felt quite emotional when I heard the verdict: pleased for the young women's families but also some empathy for Steve Wright; the man who will now spend the rest of his life behind bars.

No motive has been put forward, but in a profile yesterday I heard one fact that struck me quite hard. He was abandoned by his mother when he was 10.

This doesn't excuse his actions in any way but it goes some way to explaining his misogyny and fear of intimacy.

My mother left my brother and I with our father- when I was 14 and he was 11. Although she didn't cut off all contact, I felt very abandoned and the pain of this is something I am still healing from.

Whilst I didn't turn the immense loss and the anger I felt outwards- in the way Steve has- I turned it against myself: attempting suicide twice, aged 14, and then slowly killing myself with drink and drugs; until Dec 12th 2001, when I chose to face the pain and start the journey to recovery.

In my case, my mother leaving was the final blow that shattered my already fragile sense of self and self-worth.

Although I have done a lot of therapy and have many "tools", sometimes I still struggle to not let my past negatively impact on my life today.

I find it hard to trust people love me and always have one eye on the look out for signs of rejection.

These days I can see the good that has come out of my pain- the "wounded healer" part of me is what gives me the ability to work with others- at a deep level.

It's also why I speak up for those who don't have a voice:

That was my first ever live TV. I swore i'd never be able to do something like that. But my desire to speak out for all the addicted working girls and boys- whose addictions put them in such danger- overcame my self-centred fears.

And now just over a year on I am doing live TV all the time.

I hope we never forget those young women and that their deaths are not forgotten and that they have opened all our hearts a little. That more people will understand that addiction is an illness and that these vulnerable , poorly, people need love and support.

And properly resourced treatment- including residential rehabs.

R.I.P Gemma, Tania , Anneli, Paula and Annette.

George Michael's Denial

2007-10-01T16:10:00.000+01:00

It's fascinating to see how the denial process works.

Listening to clients day-in-day out I never cease to be amazed at how many ways the addiction can hide itself from the person with it.

It puts the blinkers on rationality and often an individual really can't see what is blindingly obvious.

Think elephant in room.

I've had clients who have yellow skin- from advanced liver disease- who literally can't see this horrible discolouration of their skin.

The denial process is so powerful it doesn't just stop the individual seeing the reality- it can affect the person's loved ones, co-workers; anyone- in fact- who spends enough time around the addict for the denial to confuse them too.

The picture that came into my mind is the snake Kaa in Jungle Book- singing "trust in me…trust in me.."

George Michael was on Desert island discs yesterday and hearing him talk about cannabis is a case study in how contradictory statements and beliefs- combined with a lack of knowledge about addiction- can be held together and rationalised.

Even though George Michael is mid-way through his 100 hours community service for driving "while unfit" he is still justifying his continued use of cannabis and minimising the seriousness of "the problem".

Hear for yourself how he does this at the BBC News site.

Cannabis addiction is a serious issue.

Hopefully George will get some help soon.

Pussy Power

2007-09-20T16:56:00.000+01:00

I know I shouldn't laugh- it's not very nice- but the BBC Blue Peter pussy story cracks me up.

To rig a vote to avoid the democracy of children choosing "Pussy", as the poor little innocent kitten's name. I'm sorry but that is ridiculous and funny.

How very coy, and very Auntie Beeb.

Although I worked in Children's BBC for a few years- 97-2000- and directed some of their biggest brands (Record Breakers, Short Change, Sub Zero), I never quite made it into their BP director's clique (I wonder why?)

They did let me creatively manage the Blue Peter web-site relaunch (1997) which was quite fun.

TV in the UK is embarking on a dangerous journey if they are really going to seek out all such examples of producer choice.

They will have to sack hundreds of people.

Whilst I don't believe in defrauding people- eg the extortion phone lines- a lot of what happens in TV is "cheated".

It's a creative medium that costs a lot to make.

On a PSC- portable single camera shoot- you have to re-do things a number of times to get the angles and shots. When working with "real people" this is very much faking reality.

Most news reports use "noddy" shots or ECUs (extreme close-ups) of hands as cut-aways to cover edits in soundbites.

Very few people can deliver 25 sec soundbites- I'm one of them;) Although I'm much better at doing it live than in pre-recs. Knowing that I can start again means I go on and on until the interviewers eyes glaze over.

One of the bad things about being me- having worked in the media for years- is that I can spot all the tricks a mile off. So when people are "being nice" I know it.

TV's second stage of fakery comes in the edit suite- directors play god with reality all the time.

Real reality is long and boring.

That is why TV is fun- all the boring stuff gets trimmed out.

Of course, you shouldn't mess with the order of things- and make the Queen storm out, when she didn't- but there are definite shades of grey.

I don't want to get too seriously into this debate.

But I do feel a bit sorry for some of the people who are in the process of losing their jobs.

The whole culture has been a certain way for years.

If we are now entering a new puritan period they should declare an amnesty in TV and let everyone own what has been done; in the name of entertainment.

Then we can settle in for some really boring- real TV shows.

Funny. I usually watch TV to escape from reality. Not watch paint dry.

---------
PS I'm appearing on LK Today next Thurs- to talk about cocaine addiction. We are pre-recording it on Tuesday. (I'm not joking).

The Order of Things

2007-09-15T13:15:00.000+01:00

When I was younger I found moving anywhere a real struggle.

And very stressful.

Partly because a lot of the places I lived in were fairly grotty- but cheap- and needed decoration (demolitioning).Which usually amounted to pinning up a few posters and illuminating things dimly with a few fairy lights.

But also because I struggled with creating order from the chaos of boxes.

My mind is such that I enjoy logical systems- when they are in place and I can remember them.

But I don't find developing such systems comes very naturally- too left brain for a creative person, like me (that's my excuse and I stuck to it- for years).

I have a lot of cds (hundreds).

Partly because in a lot of the jobs I've had over the years, you get given them (how cool is that?) but also because I have two little shoppping fixes- if I'm in a "treat" mindset, feel a bit down etc: cds and dvds.

For some reason, it took me ages to develop a taxonomy for cds that works. Why I didn't just go to HMV and copy theirs, I don't know.

Re-inventing the wheel comes to mind.

Anyways, over the many years it's taken me to feel like a grown-up (sometimes)..that's all of my teens, twenties and first five years of the thirties.. I have finally cracked it (famous last words) and have in-built systems for filing all things.

I'm not going to claim that I actually do file all things.

But I do have a system, for when I can be arsed to file all things.

This morning was a joy. In H's kitchen, merging my food and equipment with hers. Am I being really peervy- but, I found that sentence quite sexy? (Yes, I am being!)

It feels like in lots of different ways- filing stuff being one of the less important areas- I am coming to a place of actually becoming the person I have always wanted to be.

Finally.

I'm really getting my sh** together (One Day At A Time).

Before I get too carried away...

Last night when I arrived at H's I was greeted by her lovely dad. We were walking to my car to collect boxes and my foot went down a hole in the grass verge and I turned my ankle- partially tearing an old ligament injury. So spent the evening with my leg up with an ice compress attached.

H being a netballer used some acronym for this process but I've forgotten it (as I'm a St John's Ambulance qualified first-aider I have forgotten the acronym twice now) but I do know all about ice compresses- ouch!

Why am I telling you this?

I have the dodgy ankle because when I was 18 I insisted that a ju-jitsu instructor let me join his class- he said it was for men-only, which is a total red rag to me.

Because I had quoted sex discrimation legislation at him (his class was in a local authority leisure centre) he didn't like me very much. And so paired me with this Hagrid of a man.

After throwing this mountain of a man a few times I was worn out and left my leg in the way. The crunch noise was horrific and my ankle swelled up like a cricket ball.

It has never been the same again.

From an unconscious perspective it is interesting that i had this little accident last night because the last time I turned it badly was on my first holiday with the last woman I lived with (in 2000).

Back then I was totally pissed, dancing down the street and I fell off a kerb (in Tourmina, Sicily).

This time around I fell- dramatically- but I had biker boots on and was not drunk and so got immediate treatment. Consequently I have only a slight hobble today.

I think the reason I'm saying all this is because it shows how life moves on but the past is always with us.

Last night I had a horrible fear dream about relapsing on heroin (a drug I used a few times but didn't like).

When I woke up this morning- clean and sober- I felt so happy to have left that past and to be starting out on a new adventure.

Lots of order to be created.

Glad that Sunday is a day of rest.

I'm going to need it.

Nesting

2007-09-14T16:56:00.000+01:00

This weekend is a milestone in my life and on-going recovery journey.

I'm moving in with my girlfriend.

Crikey.

The poor woman.

Does she know what she is letting herself in for?

She's got a pretty good idea (she reads my blog!)

What a combination of feelings: lots of excitement and happiness and a big dollop of fear.

My little house has been such a place of sanctuary- post rehab.

But it is time to head to pastures new- move onwards and upwards; and feel the fear and do it anyway.

It was great living a single life but I'm very glad it's over.

I'm moving to Cheam. An area of Surrey that has strong comedy associations for me- because of Mr Tony Hancock.

So whenever I'm driving through my new manor, the name itself will get me in a good mood; from having a Tony-related chuckle.

One of my absolute fav pieces of comedy writing is The Blood Donor:

Isn't YouTube fab.

Gotta go and pack my bags.

Wish us luck!

Coke and Young People

2007-09-13T18:56:00.000+01:00

Today Drugscope released a new drugs trends survey, here in the UK.

The report suggests that coke is being sold in a two-tier way- i) expensive and purer and ii) cheaper and more cut; and that this £30 a gram cocaine puts it in reach of a new younger "market".

Drugscope's work concurs with what we have been seeing here in Surrey at Respond (adult drugs service): more young people have access to cocaine and it is becoming an ever-increasing serious problem.

In the last two years I have seen a big increase in the number of people under 25 who have come into treatment with very serious mental and physical health issues: as a result of their use of coke- for relatively short periods.

We are seeing an escalation in the use of powder and also crack- which seems to be losing it "loser" label and gaining more currency as just another drug that a poly drug user may partake of.

This is very worrying.

All people who present for treatment with addictions are not in a great place- people don't tend to ask for help until the damages to self and others are starting to stack up.

Young people witha coke addiction often experience these damages in a much shorter time-span.

The drug seems to speed things up in a micro (the high) and macro sense: it can make the progression of the addiction happen in a much shorter time frame.

I really hope that the British gov take note of this report and put some money behind Frank's new cocaine campaign. It is much needed.

Although the official stats may suggest the numbers are relatively small, I believe that stats miss the cultural dimension- the shift in perception of cocaine.

It takes a little while for those new users who are going to become dependent to move out of party-time and the denial process and into the..Oh sh** phase.

Plus, I'm always very wary of stats- I would never have admitted to a stranger that i had a coke problem (it took years to admit it to myself).

Some time ago Murray Lachlan Young wrote a poem called Simply Everyone's Taking Cocaine.

Maybe this was true, at EMI and the media back in the early 90s, but most everyone else simply couldn't afford it.

Now they can.

We really need to do some education work here and get stimulant treatment services ready for the snow-induced avalanche of desperate need that is growing.

Because the clients I am seeing turn-up in droves, week in week out need long-term, and so expensive, help.

There is no quick fix to the problem, so let's work to limit the scale of it.

Meanwhile, there is hope.

People can recover.

Families are reunited.

The mind and body can heal.

But- and this is an irony- it's a long, slow, process.

A Challenging Choice

2007-09-11T22:39:00.000+01:00

BBC Radio 4 is a radio station that I have a love/hate relationship with.

This morning it broadcast one of those programmes that make paying the licence fee seem like a small price indeed for the quality and originality of what it provides.

The Choice is a show in which Michael Buerk interviews people who have made life-altering decisions and talks them through the whole process, from the original dilemma to living with the consequences.

In today's programme he talks to a convicted paedophile and to his wife, who helped her husband seek treatment after he sexually abused their child.

It was one of the most challenging, thought-provoking and much needed discussions I have ever heard on the radio.

Michael Buerk is a measured, intelligent broadcaster and he handles the subject matter brilliantly.

The widespread sexual abuse of children by adults is one of those horrible realities that we as a society can't seem to comprehend.

It is still being swept under the carpet and children are often not heard.

Doing the work I do, I see how this abuse has a devastating impact on an individuals' development and can impact on their whole life.

Be warned- this programme is not comfortable listening but it opens up a space to discuss what is going wrong- how abuse happens- and gives some hope that is possible to help paedophiles break through their denial, come to terms with their actions and change behaviour.

The Choice's homepage has some very good links for people who have been affected by the issues raised.

Poor Me

2007-09-10T21:52:00.000+01:00

Poor Me
Category: Life

I'm having a self-doubt day.

Waking up this morning I didn't want to get up.

The fear was on me.

Really felt like duvet diving.

Not an option.

So I picked up a paint brush- after getting dressed- and spent two hours doing the edges of my work-in-progress bedroom; before going to work.

When I'm feeling like this my head focuses on anything negative it can latch on to.

Today I'm struggling with the "you don't know anything" voice.

Doing an assessment with someone there was one question about the probation service that I didn't know the answer to.

Coming from the training background I do- The Priory- my two weakest area of knowledge are welfare benefits and the criminal justice system.

Note to self: do something about this.

Lately I've been doing pretty well at ticking things off my To Do list but this effort hasn't extended as far as benefits forms and the probation service.

I can see that my own negative experiences of both are leading to unconscious resistance.

Looking at why my head's a bit fried today?

There is lots of change going on and I'm unsure of where I'm heading.

Over the weekend I experienced three of the four H.A.L.T's: hungry, angry, lonely, tired.

I'm feeling fat and quite down on myself physically.

Oh, dear.

Poor me, poor me..pour me a drink.

Time to up my recovery meetings and call my sponsor for a long chat.

DIY

2007-09-09T19:18:00.000+01:00

DIY
I am so tired I can barely write.

Today Robin and I:

Sanded all the skirting boards, fireplace and door.

Did:

One coat on the newly plastered ceiling.

Two on the walls.

I made not one but two trips to Homebase (Hellbase, as I call it).

The second one was because my brand new Harris 3m pole thing broke within seconds of my applying it to a wall.

Great.

So much for paying over the odds for a reputable brand.

By 5.30pm I was as white as the walls and couldn't see anything though my glasses.

It's been a strange day- partly I loved it.

But my perfectionism and lack of basic skills are in conflict with each other.

What a great work-out though.

I must have used nearly every muscle.

All of them hurt.

Gotta go to a meeting and chill.

Then I'm treating Robin and H to Chinese.

We deserve it.

PS anyone got any tips for gloss painting- I've never done it before and I'm hearing horror stories from my neighbour.

Ghost

2007-09-09T04:31:00.000+01:00

Yesterday did not go to plan.

Let me qualify that: it did not go to My Plan.

The ceiling is still not dry, so can't be painted.

This is a real pain because I have three coats and all the walls to do before the carpet cleaner comes on Thursday; and I can move things back into the room.

My house is in chaos.

While twiddling my thumbs, I looked in the diary and realised that I was double booked for lunch- The Priory and an ex-girlfriend.

Not just any-old ex: Alison and I were together fot seven years and she stood by me through a lot of..thick-and-thin.

I stood by her through some stuff too, of course. Supporting her through the painful birthing process of writing the Lesbian Film Guide- for which we both deserve medals for watching 100s of dodgy, boring and annoying films with "lesbian" characters- comes to mind.

But she was there as my illness progressed from the odd glass of wine-> full-on party monster.

Given that I have let her down enough times for one lifetime, I chose to head to North East London to see her; I can always go to The Priory Roehampton's lunch next year.

I've made my amends to her (Step 9) and her girlfriend; some time ago.

So, on the face of it things are OK between us.

But I still find seeing her a bit unsettling.

So much of my past floats to the surface.

Today this process was multiplied times 1000.

Her girlfriend Lorraine works with my ex-Allegra, the woman I was with when I went into rehab in 2001. (the London Lesbian scene is quite cosy like that) and she had found some property of mine; in what was Allegra and my house.

Files and boring things and 100s of photos.

I haven't been able to bring myself to look through them all but the ones that I flicked through contained some really funny and sad pictures.

Funny? Me in 1994 meeting Hugh Grant for the first time. We are shaking hands and he is grinning like mad. Probably because he is thinking, "What on earth is this woman wearing?" I was dressed like a really butch, baby-dyke, lesbian. He is in football gear (very nobbly knees).

The last time I saw Hugh- at the About A Boy wrap party, was even more entertaining. But I shall save that story for my autobiography.

Sad? Pictures of me having a "good time". My eyes look so sad and lost.

It's so weird seeing myself with a glass of booze in my hand..and smoking cigarettes. It's almost like another person- an alter-ego or twin (separated at birth).

It was quite a relief to stop looking, shut the box and bring them all home.

The ceiling still isn't dry.

So Robin and I went over the road to the pub- he's got his eye on the new young, gay, bar manager.

Usually I am fine in this pub- because I'm with H, playing a few games of pool.

But tonight, sat there with lots of ghosts from the past, assualted by the karaoke, fending off being chatted up by a girl with a mohican, and missing H it was all a bit much.

I was drinking my soft sugary drink too quickly and could feel my eyes starting to be drawn towards the optics.

Recovery is One Day At A Time.

It would be arrogant to not heed the warning signs.

So, I made my excuses and went home- to put masking tape on the skirting boards.

Decorating is very therapeutic.

I really hope that the plaster is dry in the morning.

Go to Hell(ium)

2007-09-08T01:01:00.000+01:00

Up until this evening I had quite a warm feeling about Hellium: the site where "knowledge rules".

Mainly because I posted my "How I got clean" story there- under the name Back from the Brink; and it's been consistently rated 1 out of 37- which is very flattering.

When I logged on this evening I had a nasty surprise.

I'd submitted my recent article- Gay Honeymoon Heaven or Hell? (as published by The Guardian) thinking it would lead to a good debate about gay honeymoons etc..

But, no- it's good enough for a UK national newspaper's site but not for Helium- they've rejected it!

Why?

They say they don't like the title.

Suspecting this may be some kind of censoring automatic response- I have resubmitted the same piece with a new title.

To check if it's the combination of "heaven", "hell", and the "gay" word in one sentence that has frightened the sheep, as it were.

I await their response with interest.

And will keep you posted.

(I can feel a protest brewing).

H just phoned me, from her police netball trip. She's out on the town with the girls.

One of them just cracked a "joke" about how when she told her male colleagues she was going on a netball trip one of them said, "What you mean "dykeball"?

This attempted celebration of homophobia fell flat because all of H's friends, except this woman, know she is gay.

Here's the good bit.

H and this woman are sharing a double bed tonight.

I suggested she mention how much she's missing me- her girlfriend- as they turn the lights out.

The irony is that netball is a very straight sport.

Lesbians tend to play hockey or rugby (no, really).

When I was running for president of Goldsmiths' students union I played ruby for a few games (to try and win over the Athletics Union) but it wasn't really me.

I have quite big ears and that whole ear-taping thing is really unattractive (nearly as much as cauliflower ears are).

Plus I don't like mud-wrestling with girls.

No, really.

This weekend is going to be a very odd mix.

Every thing I do will be punctuated with painting another coat on a bedroom ceiling that we had plastered today.

The two plasterers- brothers Dave and Mark- have achieved a lovely smooth finish and I'm quite looking forward to getting the rollers, paint brushes and pole-thing out and turning it from mud colour to pristine white.

At mid-day I shall be downing tools and heading off for a swanky annual reunion lunch at The Priory Hospital Roehampton.

This place is the polar opposite of its equivalent NHS institution; that I visited my client in earlier today.

It will be strange going from one to the other within 24 hours: they both really sum up the gap between rich and poor in our country.

Money changes everything.

It certainly buys nicer surroundings. However, crack-induced psychosis remains really horrible wherever you are.

And whoever you are.

There are similar patterns of behaviour around crack use too.

I always remember someone I was in treatment with- who had a very rich partner- talking about smoking crack. She said that it didn't matter how big the pile of rocks on the table was- she'd still spend half the night on the floor looking for crumbs she "must have dropped".

So often I hear people describe paranoid symtoms that have common themes- eg being convinced there are people in the attic- spying on them.

My client asked me today if I was glad that I stopped using when i did and if I really like living a life without taking any mind-altering substances.

I can say hand-on-heart that I love my life in recovery.

It's great to have a firm grip on reality.

And it's wonderful to be able to get excited about painting a ceiling.

Much cheaper than a coke habit too.

A Pound of Flesh

2007-09-06T04:59:00.000+01:00

TV is a funny old game.

Although I worked in it for 7 years, I'd forgotten just how surreal it can be.

Being picked up by a limo; at 5am.

The feeling of fear and nausea-inducing nervousness that builds in anticipation.

Arriving at the studio and meeting an ecletic range of people: Thandie Newton-> a couple talking about problems getting pregnant.

Being a very small cog in a large machine that is creating this strange varied menu, that is breakfast TV, day-in-day-out.

The Green room at GMTV has to be one of the weirdest gathering places of humanity on earth.

It is overseen by a lady in enormous red heels: who looks like she has seen it all (she has); and won't tolerate any nonsense.

If I hadn't worked in TV and encountered this kind of strange scene many times at The Big Breakfast, I think I may have done a runner straight back to Surrey; and my relatively "normal" life.

The first challenge was What To Wear.

I had two options- ironed, on hangers- and consulted the lady in the heels about what would look best on the set.

I put on option a) a long-sleeved shirt: only to discover that my recent enforced bed-rest has put on a few pounds and this favourite Hawes & Curtis shirt is now in danger of popping open- and revealing extra-ample cleavage, live of TV.

Not something I was prepared to risk; look at the problems such an event created for Janet Jackson.

Option b) a short-sleeved white and pink Gant top felt much more relaxed (and safer). A little less formal than usual but as this is GMTV- that may be a good thing?

The next hurdle- hair and make-up.

Simon, a lovely man, did great make-up but when he straightened my hair he asked do I want to "curl out" or "under".

I'm new to hair H straightening- H has got me on to it: so I didn't really know the correct answer. I guessed at "out". Wrong answer.

When I put my glasses back on it turned out that my hair was really flickey- like Madonna in the Hung-Up Video.

It was only 3 or 4 minutes until my first appearance- so I had to smile and say "lovely" (whilst saying the serenity prayer to myself- "accept the things I cannot change").

I needed to use those last few moments to ask for my intro to be changed from the vague "works for drugs charities" to "works for the drugs charity, In-volve".

This first slot went well. I liked what came out of my mouth (it's like sitting back and watching sometimes- I really don't know what will flow out).

I got a text straight after, from H, saying "call me" and knew immediately that the hair needed some adjustment!

The second slot was an hour later- plenty of time to build-up extra nerves (and tiredness).

And to "curl hair under".

Thandie Newton was the guest before us- me and Paul Stokes from the NME- so we had to wait just off camera for her to say her goodbyes and then hot-seat it with her.

Thandie is so beautiful and charming.

But SO thin.

She is the epitome of what women are told by fashion to strive for but in the flesh (lack of it) I felt slightly sick looking at her.

The camera does add 7 pounds (at least)- as I saw to my cost later in the day- but even so, she would look so much better (I think) if she wasn't so tiny.

I'm not judging her.

In fact I felt great empathy for all people working on-camera today.

When I watched back GMTV and Channel 4 a couple of shots really affected me.

It's difficult enough looking at yourself- in private snaps- but when you look even fatter than reality and millions of people are seeing you- it does start up the "lose weight- fast! voice".

If your career depends on how you look and you are being constantly judged by producers, I can totally understand why these actresses are tempted to stay dangerously underweight.

I had my own difficult discussion with the producer today- to try and get Frank's website details on screen.

GMTV have their own website that they trail- which has a link to Frank on it.

After a very good debate about addiction issues: we reached a compromise and she put a question into the script about young people and the impact of the bombardment of pictures of Amy and other famous addicts.

This gave me an opening to crow-bar in a Frank reference- with an encouragement for parents to access the site too- to get the facts to talk to their children

Job well done.

Glad TV's not my day-job anymore.

Channel 4 News & GMTV

2007-09-04T22:33:00.000+01:00

Hey UK friends.

Did you see me on the Channel Four News this evening? Talking about Amy and addiction in music.

Did I look as scared as I felt?

Jon Snow is lovely.

I'm going to be sitting on the GMTV couch tomorrow morning- talking about addiction in the music business.

Wish me luck.

Car's arriving at 5am- so better go to bed!

Reality of Rehab

2007-09-04T13:23:00.000+01:00

OK. This is a far from perfect solution.

But my nerdiness only extends so far..

To view the recent S Magazine rehab article, I've had to image host it in two parts.

Reality of Rehab (pt 1)

Rehab (pt 2)

Please send this blog on to anyone who may need to read it.

Rock "n' Roll Death Wish

2007-09-04T09:53:00.000+01:00

Prof Mark Bellis, of the Centre for Public Health at Liverpool John Moores University has just published a paper to examine the perception that music artists "live fast and die younger".

He wanted to see if it's just that they are in the public eye- so we hear about the bad stuff that happens to them- or whether they actually do die younger (from a drug and alcohol induced illnesses?)

His study of over a 1000 recording artists has been widely picked up in the British press today (here's one example from the Daily Telegraph).

It makes quite shocking reading.

So many deaths are directly attributable to alcohol and drugs (like Jimi Hendrix) but many more deaths were very probably induced by heavy drug use (the people like Kurt Cobain who take the suicide opt-out).

Or drug induced heart-attacks, strokes, etc.

I will never forget working at Radio 1 on the lunchtime show and having INXS on as live guests (1994, I think).

Emma Freud (the presenter) was in the studio and I was given the job of being in the concert hall with the band (and all the listeners who had won tickets) and introducing them to the audience for their first warm-up number.

(Yes, it was nerve-wracking. Second only to making a speech- about Cruisewatch- from the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury; to over 50,000 people).

The most shocking thing that day with INXS was the state of Michael Hutchence.

This gorgeous, talented man, was a mess.

I looked into his eyes and he had the look of a man who was being hunted.

At the time, I was in my early 20s and fresh out of university. I couldn't understand why he was like he was?

Where was his confidence and self-worth?

The fear and and the pain coming off him was palpable.

A couple of years later, when I'd starting hitting the coke hard, I began to understand what a come-down can do to you.

What it feels like to feel your soul dying- feeling yourself ebb away and life being reduced to the next line (or drink, or fix).

How the paranoia makes other people look threatening and the world a very scary place.

There are so many addicts in the music business and as I said in The Guardian's article "Crash & Burn", last week:

People look at celebrities and say they've got it easy, they've got loads of money, they can go and get the best treatment. However, because there are so many liggers and arselickers in the industry, these people get very 'enabled'. How many artists have we lost to addiction? Far too many.

One of the biggest lies that fuels denial is that drugs make you more creative.

They don't.

In fact as addiction progresses they do the exact reverse.

Whilst certain drugs may fling open certain doors to perception- in the short-term- they are actually only a short-cut to states of consciousness that are available by much healthier means.

Saying that drugs "make you" creative is giving your power away.

Creativity is a natural state.

Having the confidence to access that and faith in yourself can be tough- but there are other ways to connect without taking substances.

I love Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way. She has some really good tools- to overcome being stuck; and she's in recovery so understands the challenges of putting down the "props".

I hope the music business will listen to new this report and do more to help their employees- all of them- get good advice, information and treatment.

Right now the average life expectancy for a European rock star is 35 (42 in the US).

This is totally appalling.

The music business makes billions out of artists. They need to do a lot more to turn these terrible stats around.

Professional football has it's own treatment facilities for footballers and sportspeople like Tony Adams are doing a lot to help young footballers.

Some music artists in recovery do a great deal to help. Eric Clapton set up a rehab- Crossroads in Antigua. Which is great.

But here in Europe the industry needs to take more responsibilty and have a longer-term vision.

An artist who dies young is a loss to us all.

Women Are Better Kissers Than Men

2007-09-03T17:42:00.000+01:00

A new piece of research says that women are better kissers than men!

That kissing is more important to women.

A controversial argument and a huge generalisation?

Having had relationships with both sexes, I would agree with the report.

I can say that there are definite pros and cons to each sex.

But, in my experience, women win the battle of the sexes, when it comes to kissing.

In fact, there's no real contest.

I have had some good kisses with men- Gideon Travaro, at Melksham Youth Club springs to mind.

But, I don't think he was shaving (we were both 12).

Facial hair- especially stubble- makes kissing a guy for more than a couple of minutes an experience that is more akin to extreme exfoliation than sensual delight.

My brother has grown a beard and his wife loves it.

I can think of few things more repulsive than kissing a bearded man.

Even Brad Pitt.

Kissing my brother. Gross. That would tick a few more really WRONG boxes.

Lots of women seem to like kissing men- who aren't there brothers- so maybe I'm just missing something?

They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince(cess).

I am very happy to have left the frog kissing behind and to be kissing H.

Do kids still please kiss chase?

I used to love that game.

But then, I was the *fastest girl in my primary school.

*at 100m.

£10Million?

2007-09-02T22:59:00.000+01:00

If you offered me £10million to relapse to go through the first year of my recovery again, I can honestly tell you I would turn it down.

No amount of money could make me want to feel like that again.

I've just been reading my friend Caroline's blog. She's in the early days of trying to put down alcohol and is struggling with the insanity- of picking up even though she knows, intellectually, that it doesn't work anymore; and realises what she is losing though her alcoholism.

The powerlessness over acting out on the addiction is very difficult to describe to non-addicts.

Imagine if you discovered that eating food is going to kill you and that from now on you have to take a handful of small, tasteless pills.

Then, after a few weeks, put yourself in your favourite restaurant- surrounded by people happily munching all the food you love.

That may give you a small sense of what a craving for a drink or drug can feel like.

There's a funny (albeit bitter-sweet) sub-plot in Finding Nemo about the sharks trying to get into recovery- from eating fish.

For addicted people drink and drugs have seemed like The Answer for so long that for them then to turn around and bite you on the arse: to realise that they are, in fact, The Problem, is a bit like being a shark and having to swear off fish.

It's not very easy and it's near impossible to do it on your own.

Or with only another using addict for company.

Amy and Blake's geographical to the drug-laden isle of St Lucia is obviously not working; as a DIY rehab.

If they make it back alive I really pray that they will go into- separate- rehabs- with tough therapeutic regimes and strict boundaries.

My two rehabs were very tough places- lots of structure- and although I hated it at the time, I can see know that I needed it- to feel safe.

If anyone reading this is new around- stick at it.

It is worth it.

I spent the weekend with H, my brother and his wife.

It's taken a long time to heal my relationship with Jamie- but it is so great now.

Despite my abandoning him and failing to be a Big Sister for years- and him witnessing some horrific things at the end of my using- he has let me back into his heart.

This weekend we really felt close: I'm his sister again.

And he's my little bro.

I'm so proud of him too.

Courtney Vs Coogan

2007-09-01T00:07:00.000+01:00

Crikey, I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of Courtney Love.

She's one scary lady.

And when she opens that enormous mouth she's even more terrifying.

That mouth gives Freud's "vagina dentata" a (w)hole new spin.

Especially if you are Mr Steve Coogan, erstwhile lover of Love.

He's a brave man.

But Steve must be now regretting the consequences raining down on him for holeing up with Love; and- it is reported- spreading the love and sharing the ample stash.

Courtney and Coogan are both friends of Owen Wilson.

Sadly, Owen tried to kill himself a few days ago and Courtney is laying the blame for Owen's descent into drug-induced depression at Steve's door.

It is not often that a celebrity goes on the record pointing the finger (unsteadily) in such an acusatory manner.

Once would be shocking enough.

But Courtney has now spoken out again- and this time she's calling on him to Get Outta Town.

Why is she so down on Steve?

She says that when she got out of rehab he showed up with drugs.

That he is a bad influence.

A phrase springs to mind:

"You spot it, you got it!"

And another more positive one:

"Stick with the winners".

Nobody makes us relapse.

We are the ones who pick up.

It is our responsibility to work a daily programme of recovery and to have as many tools as possible to deal with whatever comes up.

Living life on life's terms is sh*t somedays.

But whatever life throws at us we can get through it with the help of a programme of recovery, the help of a Higher Power (whatever you want that to be, as long as it's not just you), and by keeping it One Day At A Time.

-------------

Sex addiction is a form of the illness that people who are not addicts often have a good old giggle about- even more so than shopping; which is also perceived as a bit of a laugh.

But the consequences of sexual compulsivity and addiction are often horrific: broken relationships, estranged children, self-hatred, suicide attempts, STDs, massive debts (porn and working girls aren't cheap); the list goes on.

It is often a hidden addiction too and one that people- both men and women- can hang onto, post-chemical detox- that, if not faced honestly, will usually lead back to substance abuse.

How can you develop self-worth when you are continuing to act-out- using sex as a fix and adding to shame by treating yourself and other human beings with a lack of respect; and as mere objects?

There's a very good reason why it's advised to not have relationships in early recovery: I would suggest for the first two years.

Relationship problems (the lows and the highs) are the number one cause of relapse.

It's difficult enough dealing with your own emotional roller-coaster.

Keep It Simple.

When you are a few years down the line (off the lines?) you can fall in love and have a stupid argument- like I did with H this evening..because I "tutted" about something I didn't like and she got the hump..and not feel like a drink to cope with the feelings.

I have made my amends (Step 10) and..

Tomorrow is another day.

Nice Work If You Can Get It, Damien Hirst

2007-08-31T12:56:00.000+01:00

A while ago I wrote a blog about Damien Hirst- my fellow Goldsmiths' alumnus who was never my favourite fellow; nor I his (to be fair).

Our paths didn't really cross much at school (to use the US terminology), he's four years older than me and his last year at Goldsmiths' (1989) was my first.

I was aware of him though and my first experience of his great abilities at marketing and PR came at a party, at the ICA, one night in 1989; the buzz around him was incredible.

It would seem, that his dealer (art) has secured the desired asking price for his diamond encrusted skull (not Damien's actual skull- someone else's...read into that what you will). Entitled: For The Love of God.

Whatever you think of his art, you have to admire his titles.

He has a way with words.

The desired asking price? A mere £50 million.

Apparently, it's being purchased by an "investment group" and Damien is one of those investors.

Smart move.

As I said in that previous blog, I do actually really like this bling artifact and have been , grudgingly, admitting to myself that Damien is very talented; and not just a wide boy (although he is a wide boy too).

I am very suspicious of this deal though and would love to know how much the man himself has put up?

Through my friend, the artist and film-maker Derek Jarman I got to see the inner-workings of the art world: how dealers can control prices and the business-side is as important (and difficult to fathom) as the work itself.

Good luck to Damien though- I hope that some of that king's ransom will make it into the hands of some good causes- not least our old skool-Goldsmiths' College.

I was writing a job application yesterday- fingers crossed- and Goldsmiths's was very on my mind.

It's not a place you can describe in a few words.

My four years there were absolutely wonderful. It is magical.

It's a great sprawling building in the middle of a rough-as area of South London- with a great green out the back- that feels like it could be in Oxford; or somewhere a bit nicer than it is.

But you look around the students and it's not like some university's- a great White mass of middle/upper class kids.

It is an advert for diversity- of cultures, ethnicities, sexes, sexualities, ages...you name it, Goldsmith's has it in its mixing pot.

They make a real effort to give opportunities to people with talent- who may not be able to tick all the traditional boxes.

I was a "mature student"- at only 19..but I was classed as this because I didn't have A levels, my O level results were poor..I had a slightly dodgy- one-year access course- Diploma: in Trade Unions and Social Studies!

But they loved the fact I had dropped out of school to peace protest. They didn't even mind that I had been to prison.

In fact I went to prison for the last time- my third visit- during the Christmas holiday of my first year as a student there..for outstanding fines I refused to pay for "trespass on Salisbury Plains"- whilst a US Cruise missile "exercise "took place.

The Communications dept loved my photos- of protestors and missile lorries splatterd in paint.

I didn't actually take this one- it's me on top (aged 17)- but I did plan the shoot- with the photographer (Mr Bob Naylor) and construct the components of the image; and the "art work" on the vehicle was mine. So, they could see that I have a talent for conceiving memorable media.

The thing that is weird about looking at that now- is that at the time I felt very little fear. I now see the enormous danger; and wonder that I never broke my neck!

So, anyways, Goldsmith's tutors have an eye for spotting individuals who have the potential to go their own way and create something new: Mary Quant, Malcolm, McLaren, Blur, etc..

This makes the student union probably the best gathering of people in the world (OK- that's an advert..the UK, is closer to reality). But really, if you want to see what's going to happen in British culture in the next 10 years-it's worth hanging out with the Goldsmiths' freshers.

After my first year studying anthropology and communications (the first year they ran this fascinating combo) I became President of the Students Union. A lot happened that year but the thing Goldsmiths' alumni of that time always remind me of is my safer sex campaign.

I imported "dental dams" to the UK- for safe oral sex- and stood on chairs in the refectory and made speeches about them; with demos (in the best possible taste).

This campaign made it into the national press- Daily Sport, i think.

And, I was later told, that Jonathan Ross very nearly booked me for his chat show; but the producer was too nervous. (Thank God).

Then there was the time we booked the Rev Al Sharpton to come and speak to our students- that was fun. (He did make it on to Jonathan's show).

All these stories and good times were coming to me as I filled in the form (zzz). I hate filling in forms. My handwriting is terrible- who writes long-hand, anymore?

I'm thinking about doing a post grad course this Autumn (Fall).

Maybe, it's time to go back to my roots (part-time).

I have been back and lectured.

It was great.

I felt a bit ancient though!

Crash & Burn

2007-08-30T02:32:00.000+01:00

I'm really glad that I phoned my gran for a chat last night and warned her that the word "arselickers" had slipped out of my mouth: whilst talking about liggers in the music biz enabling musicians' addictions.

And that my somewhat casual use of our beautiful language may end up in print in a national newspaper.

She tutt-ed at me- in a slightly amused way, but with an edge of, "you have a great vocabulary why resort to such a nasty word">

Have just woken- in what feels like the middle of the night- and couldn't resist a quick peek at The Guardian.

Oh dear!

The Guardian is so liberal. They've let me express myself totally au naturel.

Actually, I don't really mind. It's a strong quote (even if I do say so myself)...

Patrick Barkham has done a really good job of writing about Tough Love. (But it looks like they haven't put in Frank's contact details, which is a bit frustrating).

..And there are far worse words that could have slipped out.

I love the f*** word and am quite fond of the c*** word too (in the right context).

It's really interesting what does and doesn;t make it into a newspaper.

The other day the Sunday Express cut all the references to my being gay. Which actually slightly changed the facts of my story: instead of my girlfriend being the one to convince me to go to rehab- they implied that my brother was the sole hero of the day.

Why would they cut all the "girlfriend" refs and female pronouns?

I can only assume that because the story was such a positive one they felt that it would be better for their middle-England audience not to be troubled by my uncomfortable sexuality?

In the picture- which they gave a pink background to- I look very girly (BIG hair).

Perhaps, I don't look like the mainstreams view of a lezza?

Who knows what was going through their minds, for sure?

At least they didn't doctor my image.

The last time I was in the Daily Mail- they manipulated the picture to turn a broad grin into a miserable thin line of a mouth- leaving me looking like a total freak.

Why? I guess they felt that I looked a bit too happy for someone talking about such a sad history and preferred the image of tortured pathos to that of a happy ending.

These minor manipulations of reality are nothing compared to what happens to some of my friends.

I am so glad that I am not famous.

My lovely sponsor has horrible lies and stories made up about her- on a regular basis.

Actor Steve was stalked in a cloak and dagger manner for a week- before a journalist came out of the shadows and door-stepped him.

He woke-up the next day to a front-page tabloid article entitled "Eastenders Junkie Axed". Nice.

Very little truth got in the way of a good soap-opera headline.

Anyway. The cats are both asleep and I should be too.

Can I Say "Arse-lickers"?

2007-08-29T16:37:00.000+01:00

Daily Dose have done me the great honour of posting my YouTube and MySpace links up today.

Welcome any DD readers- please say hello and tell us where you are dropping in from?

As with all blog's this is my own- rather idiosyncratic- take on LIFE: with a strong emphasis on addiction and media issues (write what you know, as they say).

Although I am an "expert commentator" for Frank- what you read here is all my own thoughts and opinions and may (or may not) concur with UK drugs policies.

And please be warned, I do mouth off a bit at times.

I'm an Aries!

My heart is in the right place though.

------
It's been a slightly weird day.

I've been juggling resting and relaxing- to continue my recuperation from glandular fever (had a lovely reiki and reflexology session at lunchtime)- with dealing with some interesting media enquiries.

The Guardian interviewed me for a piece they are doing on Tough Love- Amy Winehouse's parents and in-laws being the "hook".

It's quite difficult dealing with something like this- from an ethical point of view.

I'm not her therapist and- like everyone else- my knowledge is based on what's in the public domain: the grim pictures and what the parents are saying.

And Amy has given quite a lot to work with in her lyrics.

In these cases- mass media- I try to give quotes that will further the understanding of how addiction works but without being specific to a particular individual.

Because of how the media works- in soundbites- this is quite a tricky path to tread.

I do choose to go on-the-record and write about celebrity addicition issues because their lives are written about so much; and a great deal of what is written about the illness has very little understanding or knowledge contained in it.

Quite often the way that celebrity drug stories get written is actually quite damaging to our clients- in the "real world", because rather than increase empathy and understanding of the illness, famous addicts are seen as spoilt brats who need to pull themselves together...I'm thinking about what Simon Cowell wrote about Britney and Robbie.

There are so many missed opportunities- acres of print- which rarely get used to educate the public and even give out any useful contacts and information.

I've made it a bit of a mission to try and raise the level of the debate in the UK.

My friends at Frank have given me a lot of help and support to do this.

As a TV director- throughout my using- I stayed resolutely behind the camera: partly through low self-worth and thinking I looked terrible on-camera. Yes, self-obsession and ego!

Even after media training I was still very reluctant to do live TV. Until one day I was stitched up and I turned up at Sky for a "pre-record" that was actually a live-link to Ipswich; to talk about the working girls who were risking their lives for a fix.

Even with all my media experience in radio and TV- some of the things I do now- for Frank- still freak me out.

Nothing can prepare you for the abject terror of sitting alone in a totally black studio- waiting to talk live to a reporter you can't see or hear very well- with no clue what questions they are going to ask you.

Or being in a frantic Radio 1 studio after a taxi ride from hell- putting on your head-phones knowing that the youth of the nation are listening- again live. With no prep time to field up-coming calls from desperate people; and trying to give half-decent answers, within very limited time-frames.

It's strange but I do love it.

This merging of my old world with my new.

I am so grateful to be able to do this stuff today.

----------

Patrick Barkham, The Guardian journalist just emailed me the quotes he wants to use tomorrow- to check for factual sense- I'm happy with them, although they do include me using the word "arselickers"..Wonder if that will make it past the sub-editor?

You'll have to buy the paper tomorrow to find out!!

Boycott Amy Winehouse?

2007-08-28T12:20:00.000+01:00

Giles and Georgette Fielder-Civil, parents of Amy Winehouse's husband, Blake, have called for her music to be boycotted until the couple overcome their apparent drug addiction.

In a heartbreakingly honest, in-depth, interview that is currently posted on the BBC Entertainment page, they urge Amy and Blake to go to rehab.

You can read a summary HERE.

Blake's parents fear that the couple's using is so out-of control and their denial so strong that they may both die within the next year if they don't seek treatment.

Interestingly, they concur with my earlier blog about the record company sticking their head in the sand- because "all publicity is good publicity"; and let's not forget that from a business point-of-view if Amy dies her 2 albums will sell well.

It is because of this lack of support from her record company, Island, part of Universal Records, that they are appealing directly to her fans to put pressure on her company to DO SOMETHING.

So, if you are a fan you may like to send a message to them via her Universal Records web-site.

They also urge MTV and others to not award Amy any awards at the moment- because it may entrench her denial.

I question this aspect of their appeal: because awards may raise her self-worth. But agree that any music industry awards ceremony is not exactly a "safe space".

One of my first big-time coke dealers worked for a major label and everyone knew what he did as a side-line.

A "friend" who was a coke dealer used to make a drop every Friday to the CEO of another major label.

So, from my experience of the industry- don't expect the seriousness of cocaine addiction to be prioritised any time soon.

But we can live in hope.

Crystal Is Coming (UK)

2007-08-27T22:56:00.000+01:00

London Tonight a few nights ago carried a story about how crystal meth is slowly seeping into gay club culture in London.

We have already had casualties.

A young gay man spoke of losing his partner to crystal.

This beautiful guy was found dead with a bag over his head. He took his life whilst high.

To anyone thinking of using meth or- who thinks they are using it "casually"-please get the facts. (Maybe start at Frank)

Crystal- the smokeable form of meth- is HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. It actually alters the brain's structure and is very toxic.

Please watch this:

Crystal Meth: Offically Dangerous

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The messy ugliness of addiction has been very in our face this past week- personified by Amy Winehouse and her husband Blake.

Their rapid descent into the lower levels of this illness are harrowing.

I feel for them and their families and wish I could do something to help them.

Today's papers say they have gone "on holiday".

You can run but you can't hide from this illness.

It always end in jails, institutions or death- if not treated.

Self-harm is quite a common feature in many addicts lives- for a variety of reasons.

Nobody can hate an addict more than we can hate ourselves- the anger at not being able to stop, or at not being able to deal with life-on-life's-terms, can be huge.

This anger turned against self can make cutting feel like a huge relief.

Seeing the blood flow.

Hurting the body can express the emotional pain of the soul.

Serious cutting releases chemicals in the brain that an addict can get "enjoy" for want of a better word.

It can make you feel high or just numb other unpleasant feelings out.

The ritual can become very compulsive and the person can feel powerless to stop cutting- even if it's getting very dangerous.

Cutting can have a very similar compulsivity dynamic and mental obsession to the feelings of powerlessness over chemical substances.

Here's a short I did about overcoming self-harming.

I'm going back to work tomorrow.

Really looking forward to it.

Still haven't found The Express article to post on-line. Will call them tomorrow.

Hope you all had a great weekend (Bank hols- in the UK).

2007-08-27T04:15:00.000+01:00

Phew..

After many months of waiting my article about the reality of rehab is in The Sunday Express'S magazine yesterday.

For once, I'm really pleased with the whole feature.

They haven't changed Sally James' (the lovely journalist) copy very much.

The picture is a good picture (of course, I cringed..and wanted them to use the one I have on this profile..but the paper like one of me leaning against a tree- looking like butter wouldn't melt! I have to put my ego aside and be glad I look healthy).

The "box-out" contains lots of useful information: for FRANK, Narcotics Anonymous (UK),, The Priory's Farm Place, and Focus12 (a really cool charity that gives treatment to people who can't access it in any other way in their area).

The one thing they cut out that- I'm sad about- is more info about In-volve, the charity that I work for; at their adult service, Respond, in Reigate and Leatherhead. It's a joint project with the NHS and it's great (except for the NHS waiting lists- more money Mr Brown, please).

The service mentioned, that I set up, is a specialist one for people addicted to stimulant drugs- cocaine, speed, crystal etc.

Stimulant services are very rare in the UK- despite the fact that an holistic approach- using auricular acupuncture and psycho-educational and therapeutic group work- gets great results.

Sadly, MySpace global readers, you can't read this article on-line yet, it seems.

But maybe it will be up soon? I will post it, if it's possible.

The paper very kindly published my blog address.

So...Welcome any new Express readers.

Please feel free to read my back catalogue of blogs- they cover everything from addiction to alcohol-xtc (with a lot of more light-hearted stuff too).

Also, explore MySpace at www.myspace.com/sarahgraham69- there are links to some intesting short films and you can also read articles I've written for The Independent. There's a link to YouTube too...for the sake of ease..here's a hotlink to SarahGDirects..

On this site you can see various interviews I've done as an "expert commentator" for FRANK (the youth drugs campaign) and watch a couple of shorts that I directed.

To anyone feeling a bit down right now- my tip watch Eileen's film- Still I Rise.

Well, I'm going to keep it brief. ...

As the article says:

Whatever you are feeling- no matter how hopeless.

There is a way out of addiction.

Many millions of people are in recovery from this terrible illness and having great lives today.

One Day At A Time- you can turn your life around.

Thank you to everyone who helped me come back from that drink and drugs hell- who showed me how to love myself when I couldn't.

I love you all.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

2007-08-26T06:52:00.000+01:00

A few days ago I was singing Kanye's praises for his, now Number 1, single, "Stronger".

I haven't been able to get Kanye's source track, by Daft Punk, out of my brain.

So, being the nerd that I am, I went back to that track (from 2001):

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Great video (how much money did that cost? A lot!)

In case you were entranced by the visuals, the lyrics are:

Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us

Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger

More Than
Our
Hour
Never

Ever
After
Work is
Over

Work It
Make It
Do It
Makes Us

Harder
Better
Faster
Stronger

Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over

This in turn reminded me of one of my favourite Depeche Mode tracks- from 1983! Yes I was a teenager in the 80s (cringe).

Given the common theme it's interesting to note the increase in the very speed of the tracks from 1983->2001->2007.

My interest in this theme has a few angles- that I'm not going to go into great depth with right now; I'm "resting" on my sick bed (which I, in turn, am sick of).

As I've mentioned before, I'm researching a paper/book on the links between capitalism and addiction.

Capitalism is an economic base that is by its very nature- addictive (more, more more...) But that's a biggy- for another time.

The angle that I am thinking about at the moment, though, is STRESS.

Listening to the You and Yours yesterday about the UK alcohol problem, one person made a very valuable comment about why British society is losing it's way: the work/life balance being tipped too far towards work- to the detriment of family life.

Yesterday, I wrote a comment for the Edinbugh TV Festival- about why TV is in the sh** with so many scandals going down.

I said that there is now too much pressure on individuals to "perform"- with ever-decreasing budgets and time-scales to make programmes in.

When you work in TV it is your life- and the scandals are a symptom of this inbalance.

Individuals are giving all they can and it's got to the point that they are now cutting corners. Trying to square the circle.

I am just one of many talented 30-somethings who have given their 20s to TV and then hit the skids/burnt out/drink and drugged to oblivion and left/been forced to leave TV for greener, healthier pastures.

The BBC isn't as bad as some of the places that I worked- like Planet 24, in the 90s.

But it has been getting progressively worse- plus, the additional stresses of corporate restructuring and the IRA bomb, didn't help matters.

The Big Breakfast had a massive cocaine culture: because the hours and energy needed to make the show were intense. It was not humanly possible- with the resources we were given, to keep it up- for more than a few months. Like the miners in Peru chewing the coca leave- we used cocaine (and coffee) to stay upright.

Planet 24 was bang smack in the middle of another IRA bomb- the area was devastated- our newsagent died. Which, makes me think that maybe post-traumatic stress could be a factor too- at both organisations.

The modern world is seeing an escalation of addiction for many reasons but we should not underestimate the role of stress.

Stress triggers addiction because of how the brain works. Addiction is located in the "fight or flight" area of the brain, called the amygdala. Which is why we put so much emphasis on de-stressing and learning to manage stress, when a client's in treatment; to reduce the overall stress level.

We want to help the person stay in the frontal cortex of their brain- where rational thought is located and not get triggered into the highly emotional, fight or flight response. Obviously you can't totally manage this- which is why we work on strategies to cope with anxiety-producing events. Making plans etc.

The human body has amazing resources and stamina but it can only achieve so much. When the bar gets raised too high- you either accept its natural limits or use substances to stay in the game, on the bike, up all night, etc.

It seems that even High Art is being taken down by stress and the pressures to perform. This article, again in Sunday's Observer, is interesting reading: Angst, Drugs and Alcohol: that's opera

So what's the answer?

In my experience- you either heed the warnings. Or you suffer the consequences.

We as a society need to chill-out. Kick-back. Smell the coffee- but drink less of it.

I need to get up. I have a reiki session in 30 mins.

Extreme Ways

2007-08-26T06:47:00.000+01:00

If I'm getting a bit carried away with posting videos, please tell me to stop.

The thing is, I'm someone who worked for years in the mass media (BBC, Channel 4, MTV), under the weight of the heavy legal constraints imposed by that: seeking permissions, copyright complications, producers saying "we can't afford 15 seconds" of whatever, heavy-breathing lawyers etc.

So I'm loving the creative freedom afforded by the Internet and blogging.

I can't quite get over the fact that I can have an idea and then just copy a little bit of code and embed a great video or link (I haven't mastered photo hosting yet..it's next on my list..if anyone can help me, pls step forward).

My thinking (fear) is that this is just an Internet honeymoon period before a big clamp-down. I'm making hay while the sun shines (as you will have noticed).

Ethically, I don't have an issue with this. I've said previously that, despite some of my young friends attempts to divert me to Limewire etc, I believe in paying for music/film downloads.

But to me a video is a trailer that may entice you (or me) to go out and buy the artists' album (or become a fan).

Today, I want to play this Moby (and now Bourne-identified) track- Extreme Ways.
I love Moby. He is a great artist and one of the few musicians that I didn't meet in my BBC radio days; but really wanted to.

I'm writing another Step 4* right now and so Extreme Ways really speaks to me: as I trawl through my life and dredge up more stuff to process and deal with; and so peel back another "layer of the onion".

Watching the Bourne trilogy I have identified quite strongly with Jason Bourne's character. Don't worry- I'm not a cold-blooded killer..I relate to his search for identity and loss of self: the pain and fear that comes from not knowing what actually happened in your past. And, in early recovery, not having a clue who Sarah really was.

Happily, I have a pretty good- constantly growing- idea of my identity now and am not phased by the fluidity and ever-changing process.

In fact I love it. This evolving nature of identity is part if why I write my blog: to keep track of the path(s) and hopefully to help others and be helped in-turn by them. Through sharing honestly the ups and downs of this exciting recovery journey. Which, somehow, just keeps getting better and better.

One Day At a Time.

Jason Bourne is a man who lives in the moment and has one or two issues.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Trailer

Unlike Jason (not wanting to give too much away), I have to accept that some of my memory cells were probably lost forever and I will never know the whole truth. Which may be a good thing.

Being ill has sure given me time to reflect but I'm looking forward to going back to work next week (for three days).

This Sunday in the Express newspaper's S Magazine, there's going to be an article I did months ago, about the reality of rehab.

The new picture on my profile comes from that shoot. You can tell it was taken a while back because the sun is out and it's not raining.

My new friends at Daily Dose will be putting up a link to the Sun Express early next week. If you don't know Daily Dose, click on the link below and subscribe- it's FREE- and it's a wonderful service.

They round-up all the drug/alcohol stories from across the globe and it gives a fascinating insight into how drugs are a global issue that is dealt with very differently- depending on where you live. (If you can't handle a Daily Dose they do a Weeky Dose too)

Time for some fruit salad.

I must be keen to get well, I drank a glass of spirulina this morning. I know it's really good for you but it is, basically, pond water. Isn't it?

*Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Rebel with a Cause

2007-08-24T13:54:00.000+01:00

I publish a regular blog on MySpace.

http://www.myspace.com/sarahgraham69

I'm thinking about becoming a regular blogger her and am just having a play around.

Does anyone know how to copy a blog from MySpace to here? Retrospectively?

New Beginnings

2007-01-29T09:10:00.000Z

Monday morning. A new week. This week could change my life forever. Will I get the dream job? Watch this space.